My panic attacks have been increasing as of late. I keep getting hopeful with different job interviews and everything but nothing has come through yet.
It’s like I muster up all of the faith and strength needed to get through the interview and then when I don’t hear back, I’m discouraged again.
Now, I know how this thing works. If I didn’t get a job, it’s because there’s something better out there for me. Wonderful.
It’s just that I feel like time is running out. Plus, I’m not sure what it is I really want to do long term.
I wish God could just give me the answer clear as day. Maybe that’s what I’m waiting for.
He has spoken very clearly to me in the past as I was building my faith. But now it seems like there’s more room for me to decide.
A poem I wrote a few years ago captures what I’ve been feeling. I thought I was going to write more poetry on this site, but I haven’t yet. So here goes! Enjoy!
I’m anxious about the future.
What if I mess up Your plans for my life?
What if I don’t take the right path to my purpose?
What if I make a detour?
You know I’m bad with directions, Lord!
It was easy when I was first starting to walk.
You were there every step of the way.
You hovered over me so as to catch me before I fell.
But now I’m older, and I’m way past the stage of walking.
Now I’m running, jumping, flying and it all seems to be happening so fast!
As I’m maturing in You, Lord, You’re letting me lead the way.
Dare I say: make my own mistakes.
But I’m not used to that word, Lord.
I’m used to perfection. I’m used to “job well done.”
I don’t know how to fail gracefully.
But I’m getting to the point where my fear of failure is hindering me from living fully in my calling.
I’d much rather live in a bubble with You.
But You don’t tell us to suit up in armor just to stay back at the camp tent.
You tell us to fight and to win.
That You’ve already won it for us, that we only need to stand.
I’m standing on the solid rock, which I built my foundation upon.
Which You built my foundation upon.
You’re the One who built this house.
You’ve lived in every room. You’ve ensured its durability.
I am a strong oak tree, no longer a mustard seed.
I have weathered storm and battle, and live to tell the tale.
What anxiety wants to do is isolate my battles apart from the greater war.
The war has already been won.
It happened before the foundations of the world when the Lamb was slain.
But He lives again and so do I.
When the thoughts in my head are so loud is when Your still, small voice is needed the most.
What I love about You is that You slow everything down and speak only to my current need.
You have a way of sorting through priorities like I’ve never seen before.
Nothing else matters when You step into the room.
Your peace is so very tangible.
It washes over me and brings me to my knees.
Holy, holy, holy are You, Lord.
When my emotions overwhelm me and I can barely gasp for air,
Your love stills me and lets me know You care.
When discouragement tries to get the best of me and makes things look so bleak,
it is Your Joy that shines through the clouds and brings my eyes up high.
I’ve learned that anything worth having is worth fighting for.
You freely give the fruits of the Spirit, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone trying to snatch every ounce of nourishment as it passes from Your hand to mine.
You are the Vine and I am the branches.
In You I will bear much fruit.
Apart from You I can do no good thing.
The key is to abide, to remain in You.
To mediate on whatsoever is good, whatsoever is pure, whatsoever is lovely, whatsoever is noble, excellent and praiseworthy.
To know that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
May we eat from this Word. May we drink its waters.
May we fight every vain thought and lofty imagination that would try to exalt itself above this truth.
You are light, Lord, and there is no darkness in You.
Remind me of this every single day.
Talk to me. Sing to me. Write to me.
Strengthen me from within.
Because I can get so tired. I can get so weary.
Give me the strength to stand.
with the helmet of salvation, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the Sword of the Spirit, the shield of faith and the readiness of the Gospel of peace.
Let this peace that surpasses all understanding guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
Pray for a sister, ya’ll!
Until Next Time,